for Jane,
for my sisters

Jules International
1997

The WWW Edition
1998

All Reproduction Rights Reserved

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Printed copies of the original version are available

I continued to pursue my interest in things arcane and esoteric - in time coming across the writings of Harry Hay and the radical faeries. Here was a voice that spoke to my reality; that honoured the unique gifts a gay man can bring to the world. Here was a true visionary who was articulating the depth of my feeling of outsidership, while at the same time offering a vision of a community of individuals; linked by our acknowledgement of our difference from mainstream straight or gay culture (gay culture in North America having evolved primarily as an adolescent response to omnipresent heterosexism) and by the recognition in each other of the unique vision we each possess.

Several years later I find myself once again in the right place at the right time. Living in San Francisco, I hear of a gathering to take place in Malibu. Knowing only "Camp Shalom, Malibu" I bus down and, after searching for 6 hours on foot, crash for an hour on the beach. Waking cold, tired and hungry I spend the last of my dwindling funds on a cab and finally arrive to be greeted by a fabulous faerie named Alice, attired in virginal white and dressed for a wedding. My first gathering and I meet the Duchess herself. I have arrived in Faerieland.

My first impressions are of intense sexual energy and excitement - the potentially boundless energy of 150 faeries co-creating reality for 10 days. I develop a massive headache and have to masturbate to release it. Once my sex energy had blessed the site I was able to relax into the experience. The gathering allowed me much time for self-reflection and exploration. My understanding of sexuality between men as being able to take the form of play, released from the urban and urbane constrictions of expressions of sexuality within restrictive roles, was a gift impossible to quantify. Heart circles, a new paradigm for political action, group sexual expression, ritual, drama, nurturing of talents in all, open expression of feelings, older men finding a voice and speaking to their realities, men facing certain death with dignity; each open voice resonated deep in the chambers of my own heart. Commonalities within community that simultaneously healed the rift of outsidership while making sense of it. Perfect community? By no means. Clearly there is a lot of work to do individually and collectively. Expressions of ego dominating caring, competing agendas and differing assertions of what is truly faerie abounded. And there was space enough for difference to be honoured - for how else can our questing community continue to grow? We, all of us who identify as faerie, carry within us the same seed. True that no two trees are alike, and together we enjoy the splendour of the forest.

Time flows and once more living in Toronto I am guided to Amber Fox. Similar in desire and different in tone, these Canadian faeries exhibit a gentleness not fuelled by the passion, pain, grief, and anger of a community that has been dealing with multiple losses for way too long. An unspoken acknowledgement that everyone has gifts to bring to the gathering, the magical faerie energy begins to build on the understanding and trust that we all bring what we are able to the gathering. The momentum of the gathering builds organically over time as more faeries are welcomed into the expanding collective entity. And the entity takes its own form and life. A manifestation of men opening their hearts, cautiously risking trust after much personal damage from previous expressions of vulnerability.